literature

Average

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Literature Text

Average

She stood facing the edge. The courtyard below an empty abode for naught but the shadows brought to life by the setting sun and the few pieces of litter that roam the ground on the cool breeze. Tears slowly dripped off her chin floating down to the ground far below.

Average… below average even…

That word rung through her head, piercing her miniscule amount of self-esteem and further diminishing it. All of the people around her were above average… at least that was how she saw it… and felt.

Everyone around her saw a happy, relaxed, yet slightly awkward and quiet girl. They thought that as long as she passed school… and as long as she had a few people to talk to… that she was happy, but happy… well that was somewhat out of her reach.

She wished she was smart, pretty, skinny, out going and bright like many of her friends were, but she was not. She was awkward, so awkward that she seemed to push others away. She was just past chubby. She was, realistically, a loner or an introvert, but she did have some good friends. Her intelligence was okay? She was not stupid but she wasn’t very smart, she was of… average… intelligence…

She only wished the best for her friends, but their constant success made her feel… below average. She wished she could be even slightly as good as them… but she was not. She could try… but she just really wasn’t. Everybody liked her friends; they were out-going and accepted, much unlike her. They were offered scholarships and chances that she was not. They even had courage to spare… of course, much unlike her.

She wanted out. She wanted away from the constant disappointment that she was, to not only herself, but also her parents. She was not the favourite child, nor grandchild, nor student, nor friend. She was just there. Sometimes she wondered if it was just to make everyone else look and feel better. If a higher power had decided this is what her fate was… to make others look and feel better about themselves, then she wanted no part in it. The only problem being, as previously stated, she had no courage really…

She gazed at her left arm. The minor abrasions and thin lines of dried blood bring more tears to her eyes. She had tried, but fear of pain and possibly dying stopped her from cutting deep enough to cause any real damage. She thought maybe overdosing, yet again, however, the fear over powered her. Hanging herself… never would she ever considered it… it scared her more than any of the other options. Jumping off the building… quick and simple, one step and she could no longer back out…  

She decided to do it at the school, the place that caused the majority of her constant pain. It was higher than her house was and she felt sure that the landing would bring her end. She opened her eyes not realizing she had shut them and gazed again at the slowly darkening ground… and fear took root in her stomach, heart, and mind. She threw herself back from the edge and began sobbing, the tears pouring forth from the unending well within her.

Why?
Why couldn’t she do it?
Why was she average or less than?
Why was it this hard?
Why did she constantly screw up?
Why was she so afraid?
Why was she here?
Why did she fear dying, knowing it would happen eventually?

She continued to cry. Begging someone, anyone to end her useless existence, yet none came.

Fine.
Fine…  

It seemed she’d live on, average, for as long as it took her to gather up enough courage or for someone to do it for her.

“I’m average…  I’m below average… are you all happy…? Because I’m not… would you care if I left? Would anybody care…? Because, I don’t… but I’m scared… I’m scared…” she whispered to the wind, wishing for solace and someone to confess that they truly did care…  for someone to hold her in a warm embrace and comfort her.

“I’m scared….”
“I’m average…”
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